Life Update: How The Lord's Been Preparing The Way

So, friends, I haven't talked much online about school this year.

I did not go to college this past fall, as most of you know. Mostly because of just pure fear; if I'm to be completely honest. I also just didn’t feel led to one school, and it was all a big mess. I was recently asked by our new youth pastor about the whole situation and replied with “Oh... that’s a looong story.” He asked me to just summed it down to one sentence. I thought about it for a moment and replied, “I was not mentally or emotionally prepared for college.” --I went to a wonderful high school with a lot of really caring teachers. Teachers that constantly encouraged me to do the best I could. I was super active in school activities and in five different clubs my senior year, officer in two of them, and was an honor graduate. All things preparing and pushing me toward college. But.. that was not in God’s plan for me.-- Last May I was just a total wreck. For example, on graduation day when everyone started lining up to go out for our graduation ceremony, I walked over to the corner and just started pacing and singing Roar to myself. I was on the edge of a major break down. And you can bet when I was still waiting and walking in line I was doing the macarena hard core. Lord, I was a mess. (Ha.. pretty sure I’ll always be a mess.) I do not like change. Change is so scary to me, especially when it means having to say goodbye to people. Teachers of Benton High School, if Gattis would have let me, you can bet solid money that I would have come to school every day this year to see you guys and just sit in your classes again. Class of 2014, I miss you guys so much and just wish I could walk those halls with you again. And then it gets to my Indian Springs family.. the thought of having to say goodbye to you guys.. not being able to see you as much and talk to you as much hurts my heart. God has done such big things through so many people at this great church, especially my sweet Shaleen.. To think about trying to do life without all of you constantly by my side scares me. Fear, goodbyes, “the great unknown where feet may fail.” All things wrapping up into a big ball of disappointment when fall 2014 rolled around and I was not at college.

Disappointment… Disappointment was a huge thing I wrestled with this fall. I felt totally disappointed in myself. I mean, come on! I had great teachers giving me a quality education, friends and family that loved me and supported me, and beautiful mentors that where there through thick and thin, the good times and bad times, continuously pointing me back to the Father and His unending love. I had all of this given to me, how in the world could I not be ready? I was ashamed of myself. You know how you get mentors in your life, and you are influenced by them, and your life kind of goes in a directions that follows them? Like you’re shaped by them, and you try to direct your choices and life to be more like them. Well in 9th grade one of my teachers said “You represent the people you love most in everything you do.” So everything I do should leave an impact of the people who have shaped me. My actions should leave an impression of “That gurl knows Jesus,” and an impression of all the ways I’ve been taught to, ya know, glorify the Father, love others, work hard, lead honorably, have a gentle spirit, be self-controlled, etc. All things taught to me by the Lord and by His influence through big, beautiful mentors. I am supposed to represent that. And of course, I fail at those things daily, but not going to college felt like a big “you’re a failure” slap to the face. And then when I thought about letting down all those people, the teachers, friends, mentors that spent so much time investing me.. I felt like a failed myself and all the people I love most, and that was a huge weight on my shoulders.

God used this school year as a time for rest, lots of prayer, lots of pruning, and many other things. I honestly just needed this year to further strengthen my foundation in Christ before trying to take on college.

SO now that we’ve covered all that, let’s get to the life updates!

Sometime in early January I sent in my application to UALR and got an acceptance letter a few weeks later! But honestly at this point I kind of just did it because I knew I had to got to school this fall, and UALR seemed to be the best option. When I mention applying in Crossroads on Sunday morning my now good friend Kayleigh mentions “Hey, you should check out this CLC scholarship!"

I rarely (like maybe a few times a year) wake up and actually remember a dream. On January 15th I had this dream that when I woke up I was smiling and excited for college all at once. It was the strangest thing!

After a bunch of random stuff in the dream, this lady is talking to Shaleen about me (like I’m not in the room) and says “Well..What if she doesn’t want to go to college? Maybe she just wants to get a job and start working. Plenty of people do that!” Shaleen replies, “God has called her out of her comfort zone. She doesn’t want to live in this fear. She’s stronger than that! She’s going to college.” And then after Shaleen walks over to me hugs me and says “The world has no idea what great things you have to offer.”

It was that simple! That one dream and I starting to get excited for college!

Then at Passion 2015, holy moley, so much growth in one weekend! Especially in Christine Caine’s sermon! She basically poured a whole tank of fuel on my fire/desire to go out to do work for the Lord! That work definitely including college! "For we are God's handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do." (Ephesians 2:10) THE LORD has gone before me and prepared great things! God has already gone into my college years and right now is working things in my favor. Ya know, Jeremiah 29:11, God has promised plans to prosper me and to give me hope and future. God does not fall short on his promises. He will use all situations in the future, and the past, to glorify His name! Where God is glorified, amazing things happen!

So! I get home from Passion and start working on my CLC (Chancellor's Leadership Corps) and even had to meet-up with Kayleigh because I had 100 different questions about the application and the whole process after. To make it as close to perfect as possible, I spent a solid 6 hours or more on this application! On February 15th I got a letter from UALR offering me an academic scholarship of $4000 a year! On February 19th I got a letter asking me to come to the next step of the CLC process, an interview on March 7th. I go out, buy myself a pair of slacks and a nice shirt, and try to mentally prepare for this interview. The day of the interview I get a few “Hey! I love you, and I’m praying everything goes well! You’re going to do great!” texts. I went in, did my thing, and then on the way out got more texts like “SO?! How did it go??” I didn’t really know how to answer them, because it was a group interview and I feel like those are very hard to judge. During our interview time we were told there were over 600 applications, over 400 made it to the interview step, and there were about 175 spots for this scholarship. Even then, all the CLC information pages said they could offer you up to $8000, not necessarily that you were going to be offered all $8000.

I asked Kayleigh sometime after when she thought I would hear back from them and she guess around mid-April. So I decided to just put it out of my thoughts, worrying about it wasn’t going to change anything. With or without it I was going to UALR and the Lord would find a way to get me there.

So I come in the front door Thursday night feeling totally wiped out after a workout with Shaleen at McClure Fitness, and just fall/face plant right on the couch. Dad asks “Do you have the energy to stand up again?” “...no” “Well.. you have mail from UALR over there..” I immediately jolt up, run to the mail, rip open the letter, and read “Congratulations! It is my pleasure to announce that you have been awarded the Chancellor’s Leadership Corps (CLC) Scholarship!” I hold my breath to look down and find how much they’re offering me and there it is!!!! $8000 a year! I start throwing my arms in the air, pass off the letter to Mom, and run to my room to call people! Through the first 5 or so calls I’m just crying and can’t stop saying “I’m so excited!!”

And as I’m writing all of this I’m just rejoicing in His goodness and faithfulness. Thank you thank you thank you, Father for giving me this opportunity!! He is so so good to me!

You all have been fully updated on what happened last year, and the great ways God’s been preparing me and my path for His good works!

Your very excited future UALR Trojan,

Cassy Ann Strickland

Let's Have A Chat

Perfection: quality of being free or as free as possible from all flaws. A big obstacle that social media has brought into this world, is this facade, or mirage of perfection. Obviously our first instincts are to share all the good things on social media; pictures on days we look good and statuses on days we feel good. And as women we are known to constantly compare ourselves to others. When we buy in to this mirage, and then use it as a standard to measure ourselves with, we can really mess things up.

Let's say we go over to Becky's Facebook. Oh look, she's posted this status about how much she loves Jesus, which is a great status. But why do we turn that into a comparison to our walk with Jesus? Thinking “Dang, Becky's in a great place with the Lord. Why can't I always be super strong in my faith like her? I'm struggling right now with depression and anxiety. Why am I so much more messed up?” And then it’s almost like I need to compare myself more, find some other seemingly perfect standards to measure myself against. We scroll down and see, op, there's a beautiful picture of Becky all dolled up to go some where. Now it’s “Dang, why can't I look like Becky? Right now I'm in a stretched out t-shirt that has a big chili cheese fry stain down the front. My hair is so tangled in this messy bun that, let's be honest, a Von Trapp sized family of mice could just move right on in. Why can't I look as put together as Becky?”

The comparisons could go on and on, but we need to realize something very important: that social media feed is not reality. The reality is Becky is not perfect. She has struggles and days she doesn't look so great too. The image that most Christians put out for the world to see leads us to believe Christianity is all hearts, hugs, and rainbows. I have a past, when powers of darkness ruled my life, a story before I accepted Christ and His grace intervened and saved me. And even after that point, I have been through valleys, and have had my own day-to-day struggles. The Christian walk is "by faith, following after the Lord, in the highs and lows in the reality of life in a broken world." I started the journey of humility and transparency around Janurary 2013. I say humility because there's this false pride that comes with living your life like you have it all together. Brothers and sisters, there is a need for transparency. The pressure of trying to prevent others from seeing our mess, our brokenness, will only end up choking us under the impossible standard of “perfect.” Be transparent, be freed.

Christians, when we are struggling and feeling like outsiders, it's because we buy into the lie of perfection. Even at a young age I tried to pretend like everything was okay..even in extreme circumstances. I was 10 years old when my Grandma (Mom’s mom) died. Thank goodness I wasn’t wearing eye makeup then because that day I spent a lot of time just crying down the front of my dad’s shirt and tie. When my Pawpaw (Dad’s dad) arrived, he walked up to me and did the usual “Hey sweetie how are you?” and in between sobs I croaked out the response “Good,” without even thinking. Obviously the situation was sad, but now I’m laughing at the ridiculous irony. That time was probably the first time my heart really broke, but because I was so programmed on always needing to be good, that was my response. I can’t tell you the number of times since I started going to church 7 years ago that I’ve used that response “Good” even though I may have really been going through some kind of doubt, struggle, or depression. Of all places, the church should be the place where you and I feel like it's okay to not be okay because no one in that building is perfect. Everyone of us knows what it’s like to broken. Everyone of us knows that the only part of us that is “good” is Jesus in our hearts. We must wage war on the urge to look like we have it all together. When I live a life of transparency, I can walk into church and say, "You know, I've really been struggling with this lately. Do you have a moment to just pray with me?" When I am real and raw with my faith, that's when I can be set free from the bondage of an impossible, perfect life. Striving to live a life in perfectionism will fail us every time. Every time I tried living that life I was left empty. We can not buy into the perfection mirage, and we especially cannot use it as a standard by which you compare ourselves.

"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart." (Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV)

God still loves us in the trenches and when we are lost and confused. He celebrates with us when we finally find our way out. Jesus died for our sin, knowing we will go through many struggling times in our Christian lifetime. Let's be brothers and sisters that share our struggles so we can find encouragement from the ones around us fighting the good fight. If you are not a Christian I still want you to hear this message. Jesus died on a cross, for you. He died so you could know the everlasting love of the Father! If you have questions about this whole Jesus thing and want to talk, you can message me on any social media and/or we can meet up and talk. I'm not going to promise to have all the answers, but I know a guy..aka the Lord, and I would love to help you in any way I can.

God began stirring all of this in my heart Sunday morning in Sunday School. We discussed Matthew 23, hypocrisy, and being genuine in your faith. Then my good friend Emily shared these great sermons from Matt Chandler. (Where most of this blog post comes from.) This paragraph above is only a lite dose of the beginning of Matt's talk on woman's redemption. I extremely encourage you to find time in the next few days, or week, to listen to these three sermons.

A Beautiful Design: Woman's Purpose

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DCpprEifv6U

A Beautiful Design: Woman's Hurdles

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lr_lBw0nLRM

A Beautiful Design: Woman's Redemption

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kOqkqs5KB9A

This topic wasn't really on my heart 3 days ago, but after listening to the first sermon I just needed more. What a great message our brother has to offer!

From an imperfect follower of Christ, Cassy Strickland, lots of love and hugs.

I Am Fat

I think it's kind of funny when people try to encourage/stick up for me with something similar to "Being fat doesn't define you!" Yes, I understand their intentions of "You're not lesser/not beautiful/can't be stereotyped by being fat" true. Yes. Holla atcha girl Big Booty Judy--yes I have a name for my butt.. But being fat has defined me. The way I've experienced life for the last 18 years has been somehow molded by my weight. 

Even my confidence now as a large woman was shaped or "defined" by the journey I had to take by being overweight. I was bullied. Some boys put a tack in my chair in 4th grade, kids not wanting to be friends with me because I wasn't/couldn't be "popular enough," comments like "I'm surprised you didn't break that desk when you sat down," being moo-ed at, and just countless other actions and mean words for the last 14 years of my life. They hurt, but they also taught me things.
Then there's shopping. Starting at around 6th grade I had to go shopping with Mom in the women's department for clothes. I've had the awkward encounter of wearing the same top as one of my 50+ years old teacher (I remember the exact shirt! Haha... it scarred me), and as some of you have clearly seen over the years some very unfortunate looking outfits. Trying to look cute/like everyone else my age in clothes meant for women in their 40s is rouughhh. Like enough to the point of looking freakin' weird every day until somewhere in 10th grade when I found out "huh, t-shirts and cardigans, YUS." Shopping through older people's clothes trying make things work for my age is a part of my reality.
Heck, even the "journey" of looking in the mirror over the years. There was about a week or two in 9th grade where I was so disgusted by my appearance that I refused to look in mirrors. And now I'll sometimes catch myself looking in the mirror and smiling just because I am one good looking lady! Ha

Then there's the conundrum of personality. I'm your stereotype of loud, fun, big personality with a big body kind of lady. But do I have that much of a personality because I'm large or would I have had a less larger-than-life personality if I was skinny? Kind of like when I got my blue wig for the Cinderella play. Mrs. Scott after practice that day told me I became the sassy step-sister she's been wanting once I put on the wig. I told her "Well if you're gonna wear a blue wig you have to own it!" It was true though! If I shied away because I looked weird in a blue wig, it would have made me look even weirder! But if I went full force with it, it became funny, I became sassy, and it worked! So the question is, over time have I become more of a personality because I worked being fat into a Sassy Cassy character?
..still haven't quite answered that one to be honest.

So yes. I was, I am, I will be defined by my weight. God has used fat to teach me lessons and partially shape who I am today...literally and figuratively.. hahaha I'm so funny.

From your self-appointed representative of large and in charge women everywhere, lots of love and hugs.

Dear Benton High School

As most of you already know I graduated from Benton High School this May. Scrolling through the photos on my phone is like looking back at an album of great memories from an emotional and great Senior year. With school about to start back up, BHS has been on my mind constantly. And I have a few groups to address..

Sophomores:
Goodness I pray for you. I just saw old statuses on my Timehop about how frightened I was about going to high school! It is nerve racking! I promise you these years will be so wonderful, stressful, fun, and exciting! You're growing up! Becoming closer to who you want to grow up to be and present to the world! By the way, don't be TOO cocky about finally moving up to high school, you may tempt the upperclassmen to push you down the stairs..(not that that ever really happened, but it may have crossed my mind a few times last year.. haha) Oh! And just in case some of  you want to be the "cool kid" that mouths off to your teachers.. don't. I know some may get on your nerves every once in a while but they are all GREAT people! My highlight from high school was from a great faculty of teachers and administrators! I was the kid that kind of made friends with my teachers, but they have SO much more to offer you that way! I went through a lot outside of school during the last 3 years, and the advice and encouragement my teachers gave me during those times changed my life. I still keep some of their words on my mind as sweet reminders of such sweet people! Now some of the biggest advice I can give you. GET INVOLVED! Join a few clubs! 1. Looks good on scholarship applications! Holla! 2. It helps you get acquainted with other students you may not have met otherwise! And on that note, I have the next group to address..

All Students:
Break out of your shell! It's totally fine to have one main group of friends but I encourage you to branch out to others! In 10th and 11th grade I kept with like one friend. Not even joking, I basically isolated myself from almost all other friends. When that friend moved away, I started my Senior year with no close friends. I felt alone and awful. But this gave me the opportunity to start over. I just turned all those "only if we have a class together" friends and got close to them! I made so many different friendships from so many different groups and I cherish them all so much! Also take Theatre. It is so fun and easy! I was in choir for 7 years and still didn't feel completely comfortable on stage. After taking theatre I finally tried out for one of our school plays and LOVED IT! Joy, my character, did NOT care what the audience thought, she was sassy and confident with a bold blue wig! Even off stage I have a whole new level of confidence after taking theatre. Just do it. Trust me.
Have Benton Pride!!! When you're at pep rallies scream your heart out knowing that you go to the BEST high school! Not just because of the sports teams, or our great academics. You as students have so much potential! Benton High School has great administrators and teachers all working to make you the best you can be in and outside of the classroom! Be young ladies and gentlemen that take pride in such a great school!! This is your year! Make it the best year or not, the choice is yours!
I'm praying for all of you. I have for the past few days, and especially now as I type. I pray you embrace all BHS has to offer. I pray you know you are never alone. I pray you stand strong, because even though these years are a lot of fun, they can also be really rough. I pray that you grow together and lift each other up during this year.
You all have so much to offer this school, and the world. Don't let bullying and fighting slide in your school.


Seniors:
Class of 2015!! Your time has come!! I know most of you will be counting down the days until you get out of school but take some time to cherish these last few moments with your friends and your school. You guys have one more year together. Make lots of memories!
Knowing that most of you won't listen to this message, even though lots of people will tell you it. Get on your college and scholarship stuff early so it's not such a huge stress later!
While I encourage everyone to make different kind of friends, I also have another specific challenge for you. Adopt a Sophomore, or two. Take them under your wing, show them the ropes, let them know it'll be okay when they feel like they have way too much homework (because you know there's only more coming Junior year hahaha) But seriously, while they can be irritating, you could be such a positive influence in their life! Mentor them, show 'em some love!
Finally, give it your all this year! When you're handed your diploma, receive it knowing that you worked as hard as you could to achieve it!

Teachers and Administrators:
My heart breaks and smiles when I think of you! I love you guys so much!!!
Okay. Moving on. Not that I have any advice for you.. Just thoughts and prayers that have been on my mind. I know a lot of you have been at BHS for several years, but I pray that God will renew energy in you for this next year. I know, not from experience just from talking with different teachers, that the same lessons in the same classroom in the same hall in the same building can sometimes wear you down. You get such precious time with precious students. I pray you all get this renewed spirit and energy to pour into your students. As you all know you're teaching more than just the lesson you're supposed to teach. I pray your students' minds and hearts are open to hear the real lessons you give them in class. I pray for your influence in their lives. I pray that you have patience and understanding with your students. One moment specifically comes to mind. I missed like three days in one week toward the end of last semester. I had so many different assignments and quizzes to make up from all of my classes! I felt overwhelmed to the max, and pretty much wanted to just cry from all the stress and the many losses my family had this year. I worked through my lunches to get all my stuff done. One day I set out to knock out two quizzes in one lunch. I went upstairs to the first one and the teacher said she didn't have time for me to take it right then. Totally understandable, but from where I was mentally right then I instantly teared up. I went down to take this Calculus quiz. It was my fourth time to attempt passing this quiz and I got 3 wrong.. again. I seriously started crying. My teacher came over, explained all the problems for me, told me to take the quiz home, work on it, and we'd try again tomorrow. Not that that was some huge moment, and so many of you teachers showed so much patience and understanding with me over these last few years.. But that moment has replayed in my mind so many times. It just felt like everyone was asking so much from me, and she was there to say we'll work through these together, it's okay.
Teachers you have such a big job in front of you, every year! I pray you find encouragement throughout the year that keeps you excited and passionate about your job! You have such a precious opportunity every day!




Overall I send all my sweetest prayers and thoughts to you, Benton High School. I pray this is your best year yet! I'll love you always with the fondest memories sewn in my heart.

xoxo,

Your Forever Changed Alumni <3

Beauty In Deep-Spirited Friends

     Through verses, and lots of good quality talk time with other Christians God is really showing me how beautiful fellowship is! It's so awesome to see the intricate way God has brought our lives together! How in his big plan of things is the great bond of friendship with other believers!
     I used to be the girl to answer "Good!" to every "How are you?" Like the world expected me to always be good! Yes I smile a lot, but I do very much have my wreck days! Almost as if I'd let people down if I wasn't good, if life wasn't going great! In meeting a beautifully obedient and passionate Christian, Katie Clifton, God started teaching me about being raw and real with people. Pushing me to share my faith more openly. Instead of covering up spiritual wounds with bandages, exposing them and sharing them with other people who can relate and learn from it at the same time! Exposing the real raw problems and wounds.
     God really taught me this at Reality Weekend this past January. I kind of helped lead the great group of girls at the home we were staying at! In that, during the times of awkward silence after a tough question, to break the ice I would share what I got from it, or how God had worked in me in that way. Forcing me to reveal a real side of me that doesn't come up until much later in a relationship. That's also when I decided to start blogging to continue sharing my faith in a bigger spectrum. Deciding to be real and truthful, even when it meant calling myself out on some flaws. Showing and sharing the hurt of my heart, those insecurities that mock me in the back of my mind. It's not always easy, and not always fun, but it has made a huge difference in many relationships! Building me up as a Christian and finding others with the same lurking insecurities so we can grow together in Christ! This semester I've really worked on stepping out and sharing real things about my faith and walk with God to other Christians, and non-Christians.
     Today a beautiful cousin of mine, Savannah, came into town. She said she really wanted to go to Starbucks, check some emails, that kind of thing. As Savannah and I actually have had very little alone time in our lives I tagged along, not nearly knowing the wonderful outcome! We were there for HOURS, completely lost track of time! Sharing with each other about our faith, and certain struggles we've gone through! Talking about how God has held us and brought us through all these different situations, and also realizing a lot of traits we have in common! How much we could relate to the other's story!
     I'm so glad in God's big big plan for the world he designed fellowship. Christians building up Christians! It's truly a beautiful thing! All of us under one true King worshiping, celebrating, and even sharing our hurts.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17 God made us to build each other up! To encourage and keep our other Christians accountable for Christ's way!

"I want you woven into a tapestry of love, in touch with everything there is to know of God. Then you will have minds confident and at rest, focused on Christ, God’s great mystery." Colossians 2:2

"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Matthew 18:20 It super cool seeing God give us words through serious fellowship time! When someone comes to you, telling you about a struggle and God gives you want they need to hear!

"That very day two of them were going to a village named Emmaus, about seven miles from Jerusalem, and they were talking with each other about all these things that had happened.  While they were talking and discussing together, Jesus himself drew near and went with them." Luke 24:13 I totally feel like God did that with Savannah and me today!! It was amazing!

"If you’ve gotten anything at all out of following Christ, if his love has made any difference in your life, if being in a community of the Spirit means anything to you, if you have a heart, if you care— then do me a favor: Agree with each other, love each other, be deep-spirited friends. Don’t push your way to the front; don’t sweet-talk your way to the top. Put yourself aside, and help others get ahead. Don’t be obsessed with getting your own advantage. Forget yourselves long enough to lend a helping hand." Philippians 2:1-4 Read this in the "How To Love A Friend" reading plan on YouVersion Bible App!

Fellowship is a beautiful thing!

Out Of The Dust

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

     These are lyrics from one of my favorite songs, Beautiful Things by Gungor. Sunday June 9th at about three o'clock in the morning I starting making my way from dust to one of God's "beautiful things." I'm not saying I'm amazing now, or I'm super perfect. I'm just saying God's working in my heart. I'm leaning on God for my strength and my faith.

     I know some of you have noticed I haven't been in the best shape recently. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually I haven't been myself. I've felt more like a jumbled mess of pieces. If I am to be super honest about it the jumbled mess came from my best friend leaving. I know, I know. People leave, move on, all the time. What's the big deal? First you have to realize how closely I hold my family(including people outside of my actual genetic family) to my heart. Finally you have to realize I have a problem with idolizing my closest of close friends. Not physically standing there worshiping them, but putting them above God on my priority list. And this isn't nearly the first time I've put someone over God. 

     When all the seniors of 2011 graduated my heart crumbled, crashed. I was so confused on why God was taking away my best friend and all the other seniors I held so dear. I spent that summer bitter and angry with God. Refusing to see what God had for me. Then I found Maddie. Beautiful, hilarious Maddie. In all of us, male or female, is a deep deep part that wants to be good enough. That's yearns to be worth something. And with that women are longing to be called beautiful as well. Without realizing I was doing it, I put all this weight on Maddie. I put my happiness and my faith in Maddie. Not the one true Savior.

     Once again at the end of this school year I was left crying. Screaming at God "Why? Why am I always alone? Why can't I be good enough for someone to just not leave me?" Do you ever have fighting thoughts? Not like multiple personalities or anything, but like in these stupid moments a thought that straightens you out again. Right after this teenage girl moment came a fight back thought. "What are you talking about? You're not alone! You are never alone! God is always with you! God is always holding you!" That shut me up for sure, but then I pushed it aside choosing to wallowing in my own self-pity rather than learn the hard lesson God had for me. I've done that often as a Christian. Choose not to learn a lesson because I'd rather not go through the pruning process God has for me. Because that lesson means I have to lose control over my life, that I have to give it to God.

     Why have I always been so stupid? There is a part of me made only for God. That deep deep longing is made as a place only He can fill. Because in Him, through His grace and strength, I am made whole.

     Psalm 146:3-9 "Don’t put your life in the hands of experts who know nothing of life, of salvation life. Mere humans don’t have what it takes; when they die, their projects die with them. Instead, get help from the God of Jacob, put your hope in God and know real blessing! God made sky and soil, sea and all the fish in it. He always does what he says— he defends the wronged, he feeds the hungry. God frees prisoners— he gives sight to the blind, he lifts up the fallen. God loves good people, protects strangers, takes the side of orphans and widows, but makes short work of the wicked.^" 

     God alone frees, saves, and gives me faith. "I may be weak, but your spirit's strong in me! My flesh may fail, but my God you never will!" Those lyrics are completely applicable. Without God working in me I'm just a lazy, insecure, stupid sinner. Only through Him, and Christ's death on the cross, can I be saved. It's only been about a week since my turn around. But I've kept my self in his word. Staying connected to the vine. John 15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

 I share all of this in only hope that it will glorify God. Whether you also deal with idolatry, or even just to keep me accountable and on track with God.

Theme Of My Life: Love

     If you really know me, you know I'm your typical southern girl who was raised on a family first mentality. Of all the things my parents instilled in me growing up I am most thankful for that. It was definitely a lesson I needed considering the huge family I have! Another thing about me, I am your stereotypical big girl. I dance wherever whenever. I love giving big momma hugs. And I have quite a large heart, it's just a fact.
     With the big heart comes a lot of emotion. Particularly for goodbyes. I'm not good at them, nor do I like them. Let me rephrase, I am AWFUL at goodbyes. Not my strong suit. Today, for example, was our seniors last day at school. There are many seniors I will be missing but the one that just jabs in like a knife is saying goodbye to my ultimate best friend, Madeline. I know I'm going to see her throughout the summer, and when she's away at college I'll probably be bugging her constantly, but I could not handle it today. Still trying to, actually. She had to come get me today off the bathroom floor so I wouldn't be late to 2nd block. I was pitiful to say the least! I mean, she came in when I was trying not to go into a  full on panic attack while sobbing, she got me to calm down enough, got my butt off the floor, picked up my stuff and said "Come on Cassafrass." See why she's the best? I know, she's awesome! I feel like that scene is the perfect example of our Saviors to His broken sinners. Coming in, even with seeing all the mess, picking up the pieces, putting us back together, grabbing the weight that was crushing us, and says "Come on, I got you."
"God, pick up the pieces. Put me back together again. You are my praise" Jeremiah 17:14
"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on the wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint" Isaiah 40:31
God has no problem picking up the pieces. He wants us to rely on Him!
     There have been many goodbyes in my life(as yours as well), teacher after wonderful teacher, grandparents, and so many graduating seniors I can't see straight. I'm not going to lie, most of these if not all have been dealt with a lot of tears. A lot of pain. But every single time God's like "Come on girl! Are we going to do this again? Okay lets do this." He comes in and overwhelms my mind, and heart, with love. Memories of all the love he has given me. He reminds me of every smile, every laugh, every blessing, every sweet baby, every comforting hug, every teacher, every sibling, every uncle, every aunt, every cousin, every close friend, every church member, and all my moms! :) God has totally lavished my whole life with so many loved one! And all that loved wrapped up still couldn't compare to the love of my Redeemer! With all the love and gifts God has given me, how could I be any thing but grateful! He's given such a life full of love to such an unworthy person. Ever heard the song A Thousand Years by Christina Perri? I consider the chorus God's love song. "I have died everyday waiting for you! Darling don't be afraid I have loved you For a thousand years, I love you for a thousand more! And all along I believed I would find you! Time has brought your heart to me! I have loved you for a thousand years, I love you for a thousand more" Consumed by, lavished with, so much love. For eternity. I am so honored, humbled.
You see all these people, all these great times? They are only a snippet of the all my loved ones, of all the smiles and laughs, all the blessing. Eternally grateful.