I Am Fat

I think it's kind of funny when people try to encourage/stick up for me with something similar to "Being fat doesn't define you!" Yes, I understand their intentions of "You're not lesser/not beautiful/can't be stereotyped by being fat" true. Yes. Holla atcha girl Big Booty Judy--yes I have a name for my butt.. But being fat has defined me. The way I've experienced life for the last 18 years has been somehow molded by my weight. 

Even my confidence now as a large woman was shaped or "defined" by the journey I had to take by being overweight. I was bullied. Some boys put a tack in my chair in 4th grade, kids not wanting to be friends with me because I wasn't/couldn't be "popular enough," comments like "I'm surprised you didn't break that desk when you sat down," being moo-ed at, and just countless other actions and mean words for the last 14 years of my life. They hurt, but they also taught me things.
Then there's shopping. Starting at around 6th grade I had to go shopping with Mom in the women's department for clothes. I've had the awkward encounter of wearing the same top as one of my 50+ years old teacher (I remember the exact shirt! Haha... it scarred me), and as some of you have clearly seen over the years some very unfortunate looking outfits. Trying to look cute/like everyone else my age in clothes meant for women in their 40s is rouughhh. Like enough to the point of looking freakin' weird every day until somewhere in 10th grade when I found out "huh, t-shirts and cardigans, YUS." Shopping through older people's clothes trying make things work for my age is a part of my reality.
Heck, even the "journey" of looking in the mirror over the years. There was about a week or two in 9th grade where I was so disgusted by my appearance that I refused to look in mirrors. And now I'll sometimes catch myself looking in the mirror and smiling just because I am one good looking lady! Ha

Then there's the conundrum of personality. I'm your stereotype of loud, fun, big personality with a big body kind of lady. But do I have that much of a personality because I'm large or would I have had a less larger-than-life personality if I was skinny? Kind of like when I got my blue wig for the Cinderella play. Mrs. Scott after practice that day told me I became the sassy step-sister she's been wanting once I put on the wig. I told her "Well if you're gonna wear a blue wig you have to own it!" It was true though! If I shied away because I looked weird in a blue wig, it would have made me look even weirder! But if I went full force with it, it became funny, I became sassy, and it worked! So the question is, over time have I become more of a personality because I worked being fat into a Sassy Cassy character?
..still haven't quite answered that one to be honest.

So yes. I was, I am, I will be defined by my weight. God has used fat to teach me lessons and partially shape who I am today...literally and figuratively.. hahaha I'm so funny.

From your self-appointed representative of large and in charge women everywhere, lots of love and hugs.