I Am Fat

I think it's kind of funny when people try to encourage/stick up for me with something similar to "Being fat doesn't define you!" Yes, I understand their intentions of "You're not lesser/not beautiful/can't be stereotyped by being fat" true. Yes. Holla atcha girl Big Booty Judy--yes I have a name for my butt.. But being fat has defined me. The way I've experienced life for the last 18 years has been somehow molded by my weight. 

Even my confidence now as a large woman was shaped or "defined" by the journey I had to take by being overweight. I was bullied. Some boys put a tack in my chair in 4th grade, kids not wanting to be friends with me because I wasn't/couldn't be "popular enough," comments like "I'm surprised you didn't break that desk when you sat down," being moo-ed at, and just countless other actions and mean words for the last 14 years of my life. They hurt, but they also taught me things.
Then there's shopping. Starting at around 6th grade I had to go shopping with Mom in the women's department for clothes. I've had the awkward encounter of wearing the same top as one of my 50+ years old teacher (I remember the exact shirt! Haha... it scarred me), and as some of you have clearly seen over the years some very unfortunate looking outfits. Trying to look cute/like everyone else my age in clothes meant for women in their 40s is rouughhh. Like enough to the point of looking freakin' weird every day until somewhere in 10th grade when I found out "huh, t-shirts and cardigans, YUS." Shopping through older people's clothes trying make things work for my age is a part of my reality.
Heck, even the "journey" of looking in the mirror over the years. There was about a week or two in 9th grade where I was so disgusted by my appearance that I refused to look in mirrors. And now I'll sometimes catch myself looking in the mirror and smiling just because I am one good looking lady! Ha

Then there's the conundrum of personality. I'm your stereotype of loud, fun, big personality with a big body kind of lady. But do I have that much of a personality because I'm large or would I have had a less larger-than-life personality if I was skinny? Kind of like when I got my blue wig for the Cinderella play. Mrs. Scott after practice that day told me I became the sassy step-sister she's been wanting once I put on the wig. I told her "Well if you're gonna wear a blue wig you have to own it!" It was true though! If I shied away because I looked weird in a blue wig, it would have made me look even weirder! But if I went full force with it, it became funny, I became sassy, and it worked! So the question is, over time have I become more of a personality because I worked being fat into a Sassy Cassy character?
..still haven't quite answered that one to be honest.

So yes. I was, I am, I will be defined by my weight. God has used fat to teach me lessons and partially shape who I am today...literally and figuratively.. hahaha I'm so funny.

From your self-appointed representative of large and in charge women everywhere, lots of love and hugs.

Dear Benton High School

As most of you already know I graduated from Benton High School this May. Scrolling through the photos on my phone is like looking back at an album of great memories from an emotional and great Senior year. With school about to start back up, BHS has been on my mind constantly. And I have a few groups to address..

Sophomores:
Goodness I pray for you. I just saw old statuses on my Timehop about how frightened I was about going to high school! It is nerve racking! I promise you these years will be so wonderful, stressful, fun, and exciting! You're growing up! Becoming closer to who you want to grow up to be and present to the world! By the way, don't be TOO cocky about finally moving up to high school, you may tempt the upperclassmen to push you down the stairs..(not that that ever really happened, but it may have crossed my mind a few times last year.. haha) Oh! And just in case some of  you want to be the "cool kid" that mouths off to your teachers.. don't. I know some may get on your nerves every once in a while but they are all GREAT people! My highlight from high school was from a great faculty of teachers and administrators! I was the kid that kind of made friends with my teachers, but they have SO much more to offer you that way! I went through a lot outside of school during the last 3 years, and the advice and encouragement my teachers gave me during those times changed my life. I still keep some of their words on my mind as sweet reminders of such sweet people! Now some of the biggest advice I can give you. GET INVOLVED! Join a few clubs! 1. Looks good on scholarship applications! Holla! 2. It helps you get acquainted with other students you may not have met otherwise! And on that note, I have the next group to address..

All Students:
Break out of your shell! It's totally fine to have one main group of friends but I encourage you to branch out to others! In 10th and 11th grade I kept with like one friend. Not even joking, I basically isolated myself from almost all other friends. When that friend moved away, I started my Senior year with no close friends. I felt alone and awful. But this gave me the opportunity to start over. I just turned all those "only if we have a class together" friends and got close to them! I made so many different friendships from so many different groups and I cherish them all so much! Also take Theatre. It is so fun and easy! I was in choir for 7 years and still didn't feel completely comfortable on stage. After taking theatre I finally tried out for one of our school plays and LOVED IT! Joy, my character, did NOT care what the audience thought, she was sassy and confident with a bold blue wig! Even off stage I have a whole new level of confidence after taking theatre. Just do it. Trust me.
Have Benton Pride!!! When you're at pep rallies scream your heart out knowing that you go to the BEST high school! Not just because of the sports teams, or our great academics. You as students have so much potential! Benton High School has great administrators and teachers all working to make you the best you can be in and outside of the classroom! Be young ladies and gentlemen that take pride in such a great school!! This is your year! Make it the best year or not, the choice is yours!
I'm praying for all of you. I have for the past few days, and especially now as I type. I pray you embrace all BHS has to offer. I pray you know you are never alone. I pray you stand strong, because even though these years are a lot of fun, they can also be really rough. I pray that you grow together and lift each other up during this year.
You all have so much to offer this school, and the world. Don't let bullying and fighting slide in your school.


Seniors:
Class of 2015!! Your time has come!! I know most of you will be counting down the days until you get out of school but take some time to cherish these last few moments with your friends and your school. You guys have one more year together. Make lots of memories!
Knowing that most of you won't listen to this message, even though lots of people will tell you it. Get on your college and scholarship stuff early so it's not such a huge stress later!
While I encourage everyone to make different kind of friends, I also have another specific challenge for you. Adopt a Sophomore, or two. Take them under your wing, show them the ropes, let them know it'll be okay when they feel like they have way too much homework (because you know there's only more coming Junior year hahaha) But seriously, while they can be irritating, you could be such a positive influence in their life! Mentor them, show 'em some love!
Finally, give it your all this year! When you're handed your diploma, receive it knowing that you worked as hard as you could to achieve it!

Teachers and Administrators:
My heart breaks and smiles when I think of you! I love you guys so much!!!
Okay. Moving on. Not that I have any advice for you.. Just thoughts and prayers that have been on my mind. I know a lot of you have been at BHS for several years, but I pray that God will renew energy in you for this next year. I know, not from experience just from talking with different teachers, that the same lessons in the same classroom in the same hall in the same building can sometimes wear you down. You get such precious time with precious students. I pray you all get this renewed spirit and energy to pour into your students. As you all know you're teaching more than just the lesson you're supposed to teach. I pray your students' minds and hearts are open to hear the real lessons you give them in class. I pray for your influence in their lives. I pray that you have patience and understanding with your students. One moment specifically comes to mind. I missed like three days in one week toward the end of last semester. I had so many different assignments and quizzes to make up from all of my classes! I felt overwhelmed to the max, and pretty much wanted to just cry from all the stress and the many losses my family had this year. I worked through my lunches to get all my stuff done. One day I set out to knock out two quizzes in one lunch. I went upstairs to the first one and the teacher said she didn't have time for me to take it right then. Totally understandable, but from where I was mentally right then I instantly teared up. I went down to take this Calculus quiz. It was my fourth time to attempt passing this quiz and I got 3 wrong.. again. I seriously started crying. My teacher came over, explained all the problems for me, told me to take the quiz home, work on it, and we'd try again tomorrow. Not that that was some huge moment, and so many of you teachers showed so much patience and understanding with me over these last few years.. But that moment has replayed in my mind so many times. It just felt like everyone was asking so much from me, and she was there to say we'll work through these together, it's okay.
Teachers you have such a big job in front of you, every year! I pray you find encouragement throughout the year that keeps you excited and passionate about your job! You have such a precious opportunity every day!




Overall I send all my sweetest prayers and thoughts to you, Benton High School. I pray this is your best year yet! I'll love you always with the fondest memories sewn in my heart.

xoxo,

Your Forever Changed Alumni <3