Out Of The Dust

You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of the dust
You make beautiful things
You make beautiful things out of us

     These are lyrics from one of my favorite songs, Beautiful Things by Gungor. Sunday June 9th at about three o'clock in the morning I starting making my way from dust to one of God's "beautiful things." I'm not saying I'm amazing now, or I'm super perfect. I'm just saying God's working in my heart. I'm leaning on God for my strength and my faith.

     I know some of you have noticed I haven't been in the best shape recently. Emotionally, mentally, and spiritually I haven't been myself. I've felt more like a jumbled mess of pieces. If I am to be super honest about it the jumbled mess came from my best friend leaving. I know, I know. People leave, move on, all the time. What's the big deal? First you have to realize how closely I hold my family(including people outside of my actual genetic family) to my heart. Finally you have to realize I have a problem with idolizing my closest of close friends. Not physically standing there worshiping them, but putting them above God on my priority list. And this isn't nearly the first time I've put someone over God. 

     When all the seniors of 2011 graduated my heart crumbled, crashed. I was so confused on why God was taking away my best friend and all the other seniors I held so dear. I spent that summer bitter and angry with God. Refusing to see what God had for me. Then I found Maddie. Beautiful, hilarious Maddie. In all of us, male or female, is a deep deep part that wants to be good enough. That's yearns to be worth something. And with that women are longing to be called beautiful as well. Without realizing I was doing it, I put all this weight on Maddie. I put my happiness and my faith in Maddie. Not the one true Savior.

     Once again at the end of this school year I was left crying. Screaming at God "Why? Why am I always alone? Why can't I be good enough for someone to just not leave me?" Do you ever have fighting thoughts? Not like multiple personalities or anything, but like in these stupid moments a thought that straightens you out again. Right after this teenage girl moment came a fight back thought. "What are you talking about? You're not alone! You are never alone! God is always with you! God is always holding you!" That shut me up for sure, but then I pushed it aside choosing to wallowing in my own self-pity rather than learn the hard lesson God had for me. I've done that often as a Christian. Choose not to learn a lesson because I'd rather not go through the pruning process God has for me. Because that lesson means I have to lose control over my life, that I have to give it to God.

     Why have I always been so stupid? There is a part of me made only for God. That deep deep longing is made as a place only He can fill. Because in Him, through His grace and strength, I am made whole.

     Psalm 146:3-9 "Don’t put your life in the hands of experts who know nothing of life, of salvation life. Mere humans don’t have what it takes; when they die, their projects die with them. Instead, get help from the God of Jacob, put your hope in God and know real blessing! God made sky and soil, sea and all the fish in it. He always does what he says— he defends the wronged, he feeds the hungry. God frees prisoners— he gives sight to the blind, he lifts up the fallen. God loves good people, protects strangers, takes the side of orphans and widows, but makes short work of the wicked.^" 

     God alone frees, saves, and gives me faith. "I may be weak, but your spirit's strong in me! My flesh may fail, but my God you never will!" Those lyrics are completely applicable. Without God working in me I'm just a lazy, insecure, stupid sinner. Only through Him, and Christ's death on the cross, can I be saved. It's only been about a week since my turn around. But I've kept my self in his word. Staying connected to the vine. John 15:5 "I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing."

 I share all of this in only hope that it will glorify God. Whether you also deal with idolatry, or even just to keep me accountable and on track with God.